Last night’s Grammys made me long to be offended. Crassness. Wardrobe malfunctions. Juvenile pomposity. Obvious drug use. Desperate stunts to cover a lack of talent. None of it was on display. Making me realize that desperate stunts to cover a lack of talent is better than no cover at all. Where was the fuck you rebellion, the swagger, the jaw-dropping arrogance, the self-importance? Where was Miley’s repurposing of a foam finger? Nowhere to be found. We had to settle for Pharrell’s Smokey the Bear hat. Meh. It was like watching a meeting of the American Temperance Society. So serious and grown up. At 41, married and living in the suburbs I didn’t even feel old or out of touch. Motown, we have a problem.
A proposition: Why don’t we take the infantile tantrums and staggering arrogance out of the government and put them back where God intended them, in the music industry?
Let’s see ~ We had Beyonce doing her best Liza. We had Lorde looking a bit like Jodie Foster at the beginning of Nell. We had Katy Perry and her glow-in-the-dark bra auditioning for Sarah Jessica Parker’s role in the musical version of Hocus Pocus. We had the battle of the animatronic faces when Steven Tyler stood next to Smokey Robinson. We had Metallica music bombing pianist Lang Lang. We had Julia Roberts. I don’t know why either. We had P!nk being P!nk. We had Kacey Musgraves, who caused a lot of straight men to want to follow their arrow. I like her song so I forgave her her hot glue gun mess of an outfit and Light Brite boots. We had Sir Paul & Ringo and Sara & Carole, actually singing and playing music, which was refreshing and I think confusing to some in attendance. We had Taylor Swift, notable mostly for being closer to pitch than normal and for possibly being in the early stages of demonic possession.
Perhaps the most interesting thing about last night’s Grammys wasn’t the Grammys at all, it was Ronan Farrow’s hilarious live tweeting of the event and Todd Starnes’ typically unhinged commentary about a mass wedding ceremony that included gay couples. Here’s a tweet:
— toddstarnes (@toddstarnes) January 27, 2014
I couldn’t help but wonder if Toddy, who is a professional displayer of intolerance, bigotry and hatred himself, was just surprised that it wasn’t emanating from him. He’s clearly down with GDS, and part of that is being blind to the hate you create while paranoiacally seeing demons under every bed. Well, Toddy doesn’t see demons under the bed as much as in it. I did notice, however, that he didn’t post much about the straight couples who also chose to enter into this holy state on live tv while accompanied by a rap song and Madonna, who looked remarkably like the love child of Colonel Sanders and a late-in-life Mae West. To Mr. Starnes I say: Dude, we didn’t create the drunken, drive-by, publicity stunt for ratings wedding, but we’re damn well going to participate in it.
I was thrilled to see an all-inclusive wedding. Thrilled that some LGBT kid was watching somewhere and saw possibility. I’m all for anything that files away at the bars they’ve been taught surround them.
Aside from that, I was bored. What’s Jacqueline Bisset doing? Hopefully she’s somewhere giving a master class in putting together an awards show speech train wreck. Here’s hoping the next show is interesting enough to keep us from worrying about our mortgage payments for a few hours.