Linda Harvey, founder of the website and LGBT bullying primer Mission: America has a book out (that even Amazon won’t carry) which claims that gay people are closeted heterosexuals. Yes, her rather extreme form of GDS presents as the belief that gay people simply don’t exist. “The reality is, no one is a homosexual and everyone is a heterosexual.” I would like to state for the record that I personally am a card carrying, power bottoming, Pride marching, gym and body obsessing, one-time suicide contemplating, occasional body hair clipping, Beyoncé lip synching, overpriced underwear buying, obscure musical theatre referencing, Karen Walker quoting, interested in professional sports only if there’s a hot guy wearing tight pants watching, Barbra Streisand worshiping, man marrying, Oscar dress snarking, cock sucking homosexual queer queen faggot gay, and I exist. I exist proudly and quite happily, if sometimes angrily. I exist. As do all my LGBT brothers and sisters. Ms. Harvey claims LGBT people are broken and need to be fixed. Of course, it’s difficult to take Ms. Harvey all that seriously when she’s spent her life battling some kind of gay Yeti. The question must be asked: Who’s the broken party here? Gay Derangement claims another soul, turns another mind to mush.
The B side of today’s GDS comes to us from Susanne Atanus, a Republican congressional candidate from Chicago. (Note to self: refrain from making an “at anus” joke about Suzy’s last name. It’s sophomoric and Ill-mannered, especially considering that Ms. Atanus is seriously ill.) Doing a complete 180 from Ms. Harvey’s assertion that gays don’t exist, Ms. Atanus claims that not only do we exist, but we’re remarkably powerful ~ responsible for everything from tornadoes to dementia to autism. Honestly, if I were that powerful I’d quit my job putting kale on a shelf. I’d be holding the world hostage until LGBT equality was the law of the land. Hey Indiana, give us marriage equality or grandma forgets to turn the stove off. That’s what I’d be doing if I had that kind of power.
Ladies, some advice: Get your stories straight. Either my mere existence is powerful enough to tornado Kansas into oblivion or I don’t exist at all. I’m not sure you can have it both ways. Honestly, I haven’t been this confused since Bobby Ewing’s death turned out to be a dream or Dennis Rodman became a foreign diplomat. But I digress, how about a conference call, ladies? Maybe a Fox News special? Bravo reality show? I for one would totally tune in as you two debate the controversial topic, Gays: Winged Unicorns or Mother Nature Manipulators? Now that’s some must see tv.