Rebel. Dream. Do.

For the past few years I have had the distinct feeling that I am over here but that my life is over there ~ that some decisions ~ a few made by me, most made for me ~ were irreversible and that the path I was on would simply unfold ~ for better or worse, and without my input.  The lesson of my thirties was largely that I control almost nothing.  But I took that lesson one step too far and lost sight of how massive, powerful and specific “almost” is ~ that an entire universe exists within “almost.”  Thoughtlessly, onto the pile of the uncontrollable I tossed my own future.

Walking a path I had no interest in walking ~ trying to convince myself that I could wring happiness from a job that would lead me nowhere ~ that would neither challenge me nor bring me great monetary rewards ~ I just kept walking at a ninety degree angle to my life and turning my head to watch “should be” shrink in the distance.  I was surviving.  No small gift in an economy in which so many are struggling.  But I needed more.

And then I blinked and forty leapt out at me from behind a dark corner like a deranged psychopath in a slasher film.

Me?  40?  No.  My parents are 40.  Adults are 40.  People who know shit are 40.  What the hell am I doing here?  I haven’t got a clue.

I was having a mid-life crisis.

I used to think a mid-life crisis had something to do with buying sports cars or having sex with people whose youth would confer upon me some sense of my own vanishing vigor.  I used to think of a mid-life crisis as a breakdown, something bad.  But my mid-life crisis has not been a breakdown and it certainly hasn’t been bad.  It is actually the feeling that the tracks of my life, which had rusted and become overgrown can, and should, be cut-back, cleared, oiled up and revisited.

My mid-life crisis, far from a breakdown, is a putting back together.

My mid-life crisis is the feeling of power.

My mid-life crisis shouts in my ear that my life might just be half over, but what that ultimately means is that half of my life is still out there, waiting for me.  Waiting for me to do whatever I want with it.  My mid-life crisis put me squarely at the intersection of Experience and Stamina.  My mid-life crisis screams at me ~ Over the hill, ready for the mountain!

So here I am, following my heart and my dreams.  Here I am thankful to my husband for giving me the opportunity to pursue those most unstable of professions, writing and acting, with reckless abandon.  Here I am, fully aware of all possible outcomes and ignoring my somewhat palpable fear.

So maybe you can’t Thelma & Louise your job, but surely there’s something you can do right now that will fill your soul and put you in touch with that part of you that you’re moving away from.  Lose 15 pounds?  Sing into your toothbrush?  Have sex in a different position?  This isn’t about age.  It’s about grabbing your life by the balls.  It’s about understanding that you’ve got a set number of heartbeats and using each one to its fullest potential.  Every day is an opportunity.

Rebel.  Dream.  Do.